Sidney in China and More ……..

My mother went through three years of deep personal impacts since 2014, first the passing of my brother. Then she went through a period of declining health, both cognitively and physically. However, she is a very resiliently lady, and she bounced back beautifully.
She is very fortunate that after a year of waiting within the health care system, she is accepted into a culturally sensitive senior home near her old neighbourhood in Vancouver’s Chinatown.
I visit with her whenever I can. The following observations etched deeply into my memory bank during these visits.
One: As we grow older, we better find or rekindle some sort of hobbies, like painting, music, or book reading.
Two: Have some form of exercise regiment built into our daily activities.
Three: Cultivate a support circle of friends that we can have a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on.
Reason for the above? ” If you don’t use it, you lose it! ”

Father Time does not play favours for no one. As my long retired family doctor once said: ” 1/3 of us are going to live to a healthy old age. 1/3 of us are going to die of some dreadful diseases. 1/3 of us are going to die from accidents. ”

I don’t know accurate his info source is, nor do I care as I myself is inching toward my own retirement years. One thing for sure though, practice those three suggestions will lead to a less lonely twilight years. “We came alone”, chances are good that”we will go alone”, make it as smooth as we can, that will be our “last assignment”!

馮瑞芳
Sui Fong FUNG

Link to PDF

我姓馮,名瑞芳,廣東順德人。我的父親叫馮棉。父親年輕時家貧,沒 錢娶妻,後來得人介紹,和一個「不落家」的小姐成婚。這位小姐給馮棉 一筆錢, 讓他另娶一女子作妾, 這個女子, 就是我的母親黎旺。原來 清代末年,廣州與珠江三角洲一帶的未婚女子都梳著一條長辮子,結婚 時,由母親或女長輩替其把辮子挽成一個髮髻。在中國農村,女子地位本 來很低微,不過當時順德蠶絲業發達,許多女工收入可觀,經濟獨立,不 必倚靠男人。女工們見到一些姐妹出嫁後在婆家受氣,她們不甘受婚姻束 縛,情願終身不嫁,於是自己將辮子梳成髮髻,表示永不嫁人,獨身終老, 這些女子便稱為「自梳女」。而「不落家」則是自梳女子的一種假婚習俗。 當時有些女子被父母強迫嫁人,沒法梳起,就採取「不落家」的假婚辦法。 她們雖然過門行婚禮但拒絕與丈夫同寢,三朝回門後即長居母家不返,故 稱為「不落家」。我的父親馮棉和一個「不落家」的小姐成婚後,才有錢 迎娶母親。母親替馮家生了六個孩子, 三子三女,依次為仲聯、 帶豪、 帶昌、仲蘭、帶旭和我。我是最小的一個, 取名仲喜。我不喜歡仲喜這 個名字。我自小孤苦零汀,流離失所,何喜之有?所以我長大後自己改名 為瑞芳。
當時我們家很窮,生活困苦,孩子又多,真是六兒日漸長,黃口無飽期。 我出生之後, 父親與大哥帶豪決定做「豬仔華工」,到海外謀生。他們在 招工所得到一筆預付薪酬,把錢留給母親就賣身到馬來亞開礦修路做苦 工。華工的工作量大,工時長,但薪金微薄,食宿又簡陋,有時甚至要席 地而宿。由於工作及生活環境惡劣,處境淒涼,很多華工都沒法捱到約滿, 他們或因耐不住辛勞, 或因染上疫症而長埋異土, 父親就是其中的一個。
壞消息從馬來亞傳來, 說馮棉染上瘟疫, 病發不到兩個月就逝世了。 母親知道之後, 決定到馬來亞尋找帶豪。她帶著年長的孩子離開, 只留 下兩個女兒,五姐仲蘭和我。母親把仲蘭交給無兒無女的二伯撫養; 而我, 就被送給同村姐妹廖潤做養女。我與我的母親、兄姐從此遠隔重洋, 數 十年後才再見面。
我的養母廖潤是劉新記的第三填房。劉新記是做油漆生意的,當時已經 七、八十歲。廖潤並無生養, 而劉新記與其他太太生的子女已經長大, 所 以夫婦二人很疼愛我,待我如親生骨肉。我還記得當年我是如何的頑皮。 有一次養母想責罰我, 我乘她不覺, 把她關在柴房中, 使她哭笑不得。 養父劉新記對我更縱容,每當他抱著我,我就把口水吐在他兩邊膊頭的鎖 骨中, 他不單不動怒, 還呵呵大笑。當時的我與其他被寵壞的孩子沒甚 麼分別, 只是快樂的日子過得特別快, 而我的, 更短促。
pg. 1
1937 年, 日本對中國發動侵略戰爭。 1938 年, 日軍侵佔廣州,廣州 淪陷。就在那一年, 劉新記病逝。丈夫死後, 廖潤被夫家排擠, 連居 住的地方也被收回, 只有離開。她帶著我到香港找同村姊妹亞就和亞勤, 就姨和勤姨都是梳起不嫁的順德媽姐。找到地方落腳之後, 養母日間去 打工, 無人照顧我, 就把我交託給一個熟人, 她就是黎佩瑤, 我後來 的家姑。其實我和她也算是親戚, 因為她是劉新記第二填房的親生女兒。
當時黎佩瑤己經嫁給一個叫吳玉堂的人做妾侍。她很得寵, 可以和丈夫 同居一室, 而大婆周日歡反而只能與兒子吳金城做廳長。周是個知書識 墨的女子, 生了十多個兒女, 可惜僅堅城、 金城、 萬城三人存活, 而 萬城眼睛不大好, 綽號「盲仔記」。周日歡體弱多病, 很年輕就病逝。 她去世的時候, 睡在身邊的兒子金城都不知道, 我想起也覺得難過。
當時中國正被日本侵略, 幾乎沒有太平的地方,香港也不能倖免。 1941 年, 香港淪陷, 養母打算乘難民船回廣州找丈夫劉新記的媳婦, 看看 有沒有可能在廣州找到工作做, 但因為當時她已抱病在身, 所以不敢和 我一起回去, 想等安頓下來再返香港接我。誰知她回到廣州一、兩個月 之後就一病不起, 從此我成為孤女, 流落在香港,寄居吳玉堂的家, 當 時我只有四、五歲。
當時吳玉堂在香港中環街市電車路(現在叫德輔道中) 附近開了一間 粥店, 我日間在粥店工作, 晚上打理家務, 換取兩餐一宿。我年紀小, 做事可能不夠好, 不夠週到, 所以常被黎佩瑤責打。我只是一個只有四、 五歲的小孩,無父無母,無論別人怎樣對我,都只有逆來順受吧了。有一 天, 我實在太累, 晚了起床, 當然又要捱打,記得當時吳玉堂制止了 黎佩瑤, 說:「讓她睡, 睡醒才開工。」他真是一個好人。
日治時期的香港,生活艱難, 有辦法的人都盤算著離開。當時的廣州 灣(即今日的湛江)自 1899 年中法戰爭後被租借予法國, 比較太平。所 以吳玉堂一家想走難到澳門, 坐難民船經越南, 再到粵西的廣州灣。我 知道他們要離開, 而且不打算帶我走, 心裏十分徬徨, 當年我八歲也 沒有, 舉目無親, 怎麼辦呢?
我孤身一人, 無家可歸, 只能死跟。
pg. 2
在難民船上吳玉堂一家住在船艙,我則無地容身。船夫見我可憐, 就 讓我睡在甲板上, 還拿一塊帆布給我遮擋風雨。我沒有食物, 就撿拾人 家吃剩的東西,捱到廣州灣。
到廣州灣後, 吳玉堂一家在一間炮竹廠落腳。我找到一份住家工, 賺 到的人工全部交給黎佩瑤作為食宿費。當時我日間工作, 晚上回炮竹廠 睡覺。不要以為我有交食宿費便會有較好的待遇, 我只是睡在狗的旁邊 而己。後來我覺得回炮竹廠也只是與狗同眠, 倒不如睡在主人的家, 於是 索性晚上在主人家的露台上打地舖算了。
當時我除了打住家工, 還兼做其他工作。有一段日子, 我早上四、五 點去豆腐廠推石磨磨豆, 把豆磨好之後把豆腐渣擔上山餵羊。羊欄的老闆 通常會預備一碗羊奶, 一個番薯給我, 讓我吃飽了再擔羊奶下山。我年 紀小,做的工作消耗大量體力,又吃不飽,有時餓得太厲害,經過果園, 會偷偷的摘人家的水果來吃,有一次被人發覺,追著我來罵,在差不多被 抓著的時候,果園的主人見我年紀小就放過我,現在想起都覺得好笑。 我 為了生活,常一個人在路上跑。有一次,有個壞人尾隨著我,想捉我。我 慌不擇路,跑到一間屋前,抬頭一看,原來是一間義莊。死人雖恐怖,但 我怕壞人更甚,只有跑入義莊躲避。看守義莊的婆婆知道後就安慰我,叫 我別怕,在屋裏待著,等壞人離開。其實以前的人大多心地很好,在我流 離失所的歲月中曾得過很多人的幫助,這些我都一一記在心中。
那時我所賺的錢都交了給黎佩瑤, 但她還是不滿意,我不知道為什麼, 可能嫌少吧。有一天她罵我,要趕我走, 我便回到廣州灣觀音橋找養父 劉新記的親人。我找到養父的媳婦, 但我始終不是劉新記的親生女, 很 難叫人收留。無可奈可之下只有回到吳玉堂的家。
回到吳玉堂在廣州的家之後,我像以前一樣默默的工作,默默的忍受黎
佩瑤對我的謾罵,直至有一天,吳玉堂叫我嫁他兒子吳金城為妻。我自幼
無親無故,很渴望有家、有親人,而吳玉堂對我很好;另一方面,我怕我
不答應,會觸怒黎佩瑤,她會把我賣去妓寨,所以我就嫁了吳金城。
pg. 3
廣州四排樓
我們結婚之後,老爺吳玉堂在廣州四排樓(即今天的廣州解放路)開了 一間車仔佬飯店賣煲仔飯,專做人力車伕的生意,我就在飯店內一腳踢幹 活。不久,我有了身孕。 1948 年重慶出生,當時我可能只有十二、三歲。 我還記得那一天晚上,老爺和金城都去了香港,我穿了羊水也不知道,家 婆黎佩瑤又不理我。我覺得很不舒服,就一個人走去留產所找人幫忙。到 了留產所才知道非常危險,孩子差些窒息。
生產之後,我每天揹著重慶在飯店工作,箇中的辛苦真的不想再提。不
久,老爺回來為重慶做滿月,在祠堂點燈。吳金城則仍然留在香港,沒有
回來。飯店只有我一雙手在撐,辛苦可想而知,生意也愈來愈差,終於結
朿營業。這時老爺把全家搬了去下渡村,就在嶺南大學和長風中學(現在
叫廣州市第六中學)的附近。長風中學是一間寄宿學校,我就替宿生洗衣
服賺錢,擔起一頭家。
pg. 4
後來老爺在香港做火水生意的中興行找到工作,工資頗佳,而且有宿 舍。家婆黎佩瑤就到香港找老爺,而且一併把重慶帶走,把萬城和我留在 下渡村。她走了之後並沒有隻字片語通知我兒子被帶到什麼地方, 而且 一分錢家用也沒有留給我們,盲仔記又沒有工作能力,怎麼辦呢?幸好我 還有一份洗衣服的工作,否則真的要捱餓了。
當我以為洗衣服的收入可以勉強維持我和盲仔記的生活時,國共內戰爆
發,嶺南大學與長風中學都停了課,學生四散回家,我無衫可洗,頓失生
計。在無計可施下,只有每天走兩里路去果園採摘番石榴,再搭小艇到河
南市沿街叫賣。但微薄的收入實在不足以維持生活,我只有寫信到香港請
他們寄生活費來,誰知吳金城回信說他無錢也不打算回鄉探視。可憐的我
和盲仔記,一個是他的妻子,一個是他的弟弟。妻子你不管,而這個是你
的親弟呀!當時我心裏又憤怒又難過,就一怒離家,一個人回到觀音橋,
找親友幫忙。
我在觀音橋找到戴三才,他是老爺的外甥,以做蛇膽陳皮著名。我把苦
況告之,他通知了兒子戴有本,戴有本找到老爺,和老爺到觀音橋找我,
帶我到香港。
到了香港之後,我被帶到中環興隆街周記生果店的住家,原來家婆帶著
重慶住在那裏。探完兒子之後,我就要走了,因為他們要我回觀音橋等老
爺和家婆的安排。
後來老爺在長洲中興街租了一個小舖,把全家人搬到那裏。地舖內有兩
間房,老爺、家婆和重慶住一間,另一間小房間分成兩半,一半給大伯堅
城及叔仔萬城;另一半在樓梯底下的房間則給我住。吳金城在港島工作,
一至兩個星期才回長洲一次。
pg. 5
1950 年代的長洲
為了維持生計,老爺在舖面賣粥,但工作的人只有我一個,我還要做家
務,服侍各人,一雙手那能兼顧這麼多?這種情形下生意自然欠佳,不久
之後粥店就關門大吉,這個時候我的第二個兒子重光也出生了。
後來大伯結了婚搬出香港,老爺在中環中興行工作,平日大多住在宿
舍,家婆便帶走重慶,搬去和老爺一起住,把我、重光和小叔萬城留在長
洲。老爺每個月回長洲一次交租及買米,其餘的開支就要我自己想辦法,
我只有在家造火柴盒及替人擔水上山賺取微薄金錢維持。這種生活持續了
幾年。當重光兩歲多時,老爺患上糖尿病、腎病,他搬到大伯永星里的家
休養。為了照顧老爺,我就帶著重光搬到大伯家,服侍老爺及做家務。不
久大伯的大兒子重輝出生,老爺則在半年後病逝。
pg. 6
 老爺過世之後,我和金城租了旺角花園街一個單位,和家婆、重慶、重
光一起住。一天,家婆忽然帶重慶去另一個地方住,我覺得很不開心,我
不明白她為什麼要帶走我的兒子,我猜可能是為錢吧。結果我去接了他們
回家,並開始在家車公仔衫、穿膠花賺錢,每個月給家婆二十元零用。
當時人人生活艱難,金城每月給的一百元家用在付了七十元租金之後只
剩下三十元,如何應付一家龐大的開銷呢?我只有努力的車公仔衫吧了!
後來重鈞、蕙雯相繼出世,家庭開銷越來越大。為了開源,金城與友人合
資開一粥檔,由我買料,在家預備,友人在檔口賣,誰知生意欠佳,友人
退股。我見一切生財工具都齊備,就毅然自己重開粥檔,日間買料,夜晚
掌廚,孩子們也來幫忙洗碗。就這樣每天揹著蕙雯開檔至午夜十二時,熬
了一年。那一年的年宵市場,我甚至通宵工作。賣雞粥雖然辛苦,但賺到
的錢可以幫補家用,還認識了不少好心人,其中有一位老師,帶我認識天
主教,我的孩子亦絡續進入天主教學校讀書。
pg. 7
 九龍太子道聖德肋撒堂
前排順序由左至右蕙雯,重鈞,重慶,重光
粥檔的工作很困身,有時很難兼顧家庭,如果家裏有人可以幫忙照顧一
下還好,否則就麻煩了。當時家婆和我們一起住,日間在一個親戚的士多
工作。有一天我托家婆照顧一下蕙雯,以便自己去買料。誰知家婆不見了
蕙雯也不知道,我慌得發散了人找也找不到,直至無法可施去旺角差館報
案才知道女兒在旺角差館待了一整天!
發生了這件事之後我沒有再做粥檔,留在家中車衫賺錢,之後惠儀出
世,我花了三百多元買下亞皆老街一幢大廈天台的半間木屋,一家人搬到
那裏居住,此後不用再交租,靠車衫和金城每月百多二百元家用,生活逐
漸好轉。重慶、重光、重鈞和蕙雯都在天主教樂德小學讀書。小學畢業之
後,重慶去了香港仔工業學校寄宿;重光則在南海紗廠中學讀書。直至一
九六零年蕙蓮出世,我們仍住在天台木屋。
pg. 8
亞皆老街天台。左起重鈞、重光、母親、蕙雯、惠儀、蕙蓮和我。
pg. 9
差不多在這個時期,我與在馬來亞的母親及兄姊取得了聯繫,後來母親 來香港探我。見到母親之後,我的心情很複雜,不知是開心還是難過,也 很希望問一個人人都知道,而我卻不清楚的問題,那就是自己的出生日 期,誰知她給我的答案是:不知道。這個答案真令我感慨,也令我知道, 為什麼她即使知道我的養父養母早已過身都從不尋找我的原因,原來她並 不關心我。如果有人問我,你不是 11 月 14 日生日的嗎?其實這個日子是 我作出來的;至於 1928 年這個出生年份就是我家婆硬要我報大幾年的結 果。
pg. 10
到六十年代初,我靠車衣的收入儲了一點錢,當時金城在黑人牙膏公司 做經紀,人脈很廣,他提議開一間雜貨店,我便把積蓄拿出來,在九龍新 填地街租了一個舖位,取名「永恒」,賣洗粉、廁紙、牙膏等雜貨。當時 除了重慶和重光另有工作之外,每一個孩子都要在店裏幫忙。後來重慶去 了加拿大讀書,而重光也繼續他的油畫工作。因為金城只能在放工後回來 幫手,「永恒」日常看鋪的工作就靠我一個人支撐,重鈞則主力送貨。剛 開始時生意很好,我忙得不可開交,可惜好景不常,超級市場出現之後, 雜貨店的生意就一落千丈,終至結業。而金城患上心臟病,身體越來越差, 也是店舖結業的其中一個原因。
三姊妹攝於中環滙豐銀行
pg. 11
永恒結業之後我們搬到舖頭上面的閣樓居住。過了幾年,遷到馬仔坑臨
時房屋區,等到臨屋拆遷,我們再被分配到葵盛西邨。搬入廉租屋之前重
鈞去了加拿大讀書,當年為了幫永恒工作,他沒法上學,所以我很替他高
興。
葵盛西邨八座 1918 室
pg. 12
我們在 1975 年搬入葵盛西邨,期間金城仍然在牙膏公司工作,我則到 重光在坪州的瓷器廠幫忙。過了幾年,蕙雯和惠儀相繼出嫁,家裏只剩下 金城、蕙蓮和我。後來有一天金城心臟病發,送進鄧兆堅醫院不久就過世 了。那一天是 1980 年 1 月 23 日。
金城過身之後我留在家中照顧蕙雯和惠儀的孩子阮文健和陸泇汶,同時 加入了屋邨內的儲蓄互助社,做點義務工作,結識了很多新朋友。孩子們 進小學讀書後我去了一間電子廠工作,直至 1989 年 9 月移民加拿大。
移民加拿大,攝於機場
剛到溫哥華時我住在重慶的家,我的媳婦 BJ 是韓國人,他們有兩個孩 子:國立和巧言。雖然改了中文名字,但他們對中文與廣東話一點認識也 沒有,溝通實在困難,於是我報讀了英文班,希望適應外國的生活。
pg. 13
入籍加拿大
我是個很努力的人,雖然未挽過書包,未入過學校,但我仍然很用心去
讀從來未讀過的語言。當時我日間在唐人街一間餐館工作,放工就去英文
班。加拿大的入籍考試並不容易,結果我也成功通過了,真的很開心。
我曾經在中僑互助會做義務工作
pg. 14
我在重慶的家住了一段日子,為了方便上班就搬到唐人街居住,後來經 朋友介紹,搬到奇化街昭倫公所辦的老人家 apartment,至今二十一年了。 在加拿大生活了二十多年,我積極融入當地的生活,參加了很多華人社區 的活動,例如在中僑互助會做義務工作,探訪老人院,及參加教會舉辦的 活動,認識了很多好朋友。一個人在異地生活,朋友特別重要。每當我生 活遇到困難,非常感恩,常常及時得到朋友的幫助。我雖然命中無父母兄 姊扶持,可是有這麼多朋友,真是幸運。
我的身體一直很健康,但自從 2014 年開始,覺得多走幾步腰骨就很痛, 還跌倒了幾次,後來經醫生詳細檢查,才知道我的脊柱許多年前就彎曲 了,最近情況變得很嚴重,所以幾個月前我搬到 Banfield Extended Care 居住,這裏雖然私人空間較少,但 24 小時有護理人員照顧,比較安全。
Banfield Extended Care 11/2015
pg. 15
我年紀小小就自己照顧自己, 數十年來,勤勤懇懇工作,養兒育女,照 顧家庭,盡力做每一件事,也無虧欠何人。
有人說:
「走過長路,才知道辛苦。
登過高山,才知道艱難。 趟過流水,才知道跋涉。 」
過去的日子很艱辛,我捱過了;將來怎麼樣,無人可以預見,而我心裏 卻毫無懼怕,因為我知道,日子無論好與壞,上主都與我同在,就像詩篇 廿三篇上所說的:「我雖然行過死蔭的幽谷,也不怕遭害;因為你與我同 在,你的杖、你的竿都安慰我。」
pg. 16

Link to PDF

~~~ “When adult children send their aging parents to a senior home.” ~~~

As we grow older, so would our parents. Modern day life is fast paced, hectic, sometimes brutally fast, in the brink of an eye, our parents become frail, weak, sometimes incoherent in their speeches, sometimes they seem confused, depressed, or simply retreat in their thoughts and into their shells.

In the heart of our hearts, we said to our selves, “Perhaps it is time to find a home for them to live out their twilight years, because it is no longer safe for them to live on their own.” But how?

It becomes a dilemma ! How to tell our parents that it is time to settle into another chapter of their lives which inevitably will lead to live in a senior home? How to tell them that they need to say good bye to the world they used to know?

It is gut wrenching, hard to comprehend, as in my case, my mother’s physical decline happens slowly, in 2013, she started slowing down a fair bit, and started shuffling her feet when walking, I notice that sort of movement is typical in seniors, for subconsciously they are afraid of falling, so they walk in a way to ensure that their feet are in constant contacts with the ground that they are standing on.

Then it comes the falling, the bruising on their wrists, faces, or legs when they inadvertently hit some hard surface, the non verbal stares when we speak with them. Then the final diagnostic outcome from the family GP that they might have a mild form of dementia, the very beginning of the “long good bye”.

The very first steps the family GP would do for seniors is to engage the attention and service of the “Community Health Care” service. They will come pay an assessment visit, assign the parent (or parents) a Case Manager”. This person will visit the senior at either a six months schedule or as required, depends on the severity the deterioration of our parents are. Initially the changes can be hardly noticeable, differently between individual and individual.

Then the falling down or shakiness of the limbs become more pronoun. In my mother’s case, it was her third fall within two years that really hits home. I was just returning home from work when her home care provider Wendy called, mom has fallen and was too weak getting up to answer the door. Ambulance was called, one of the paramedics in attendance told me that she would be recommending mom be placed in a care home once she is discharged from the hospital which she stays for observation. The rest is history.

She is now in a Care Home run by competent, caring health care professionals. I am lucky because her new Home is located close by, she is extremely fortunate that she is able to receive the 24/7 continuous care that she needs, for her physical safety, and daily meals that she is no longer capable of preparing them herself.

Indeed there will be huge adjustments, and all the things she was familiar with. All her worldly belongings got reduced to a single bed, a bed side table, a small cloth closet, in extreme case the resident (the senior who lives in Care Home are so termed ) will travel from the bed to the bath room or the commo, being wheel chaired to and from the dinning hall.
It is a daunting task for anyone to put up a brave face under this circumstances.

I feel deeply for my mother, and I don’t want to see her spending her twilight years alone in a care home that she might loathe. I am sure many adult children who visit their parents feeling guilt and sadness after visits. But what are our choices?

God looked around his garden
And found an empty space;
He then looked down upon this earth
And saw your tired face.

He put his arms around you
And lift you to rest,
God’s garden must be beautiful,
He only takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering,
He knew you were in pain.
He knew you might never
Get well upon this earth again.

He saw the road was getting rough
And the hills were hard to climb,
So He whispered, “Peace be thine”

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you never went alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.

Andy was born 07/27/1950, from parents of modest means. He has two older brothers and three younger sisters.
His parents were adolescents growing up near the end of the Second World War. His father a high school drop out, his mother a child bride married into her young husband’s family. Life was not extremely difficult, rather it was from hand to mouth, day by day.

I remember him as a skinny little kid who like to cry a lot, her mother was busy with working odd jobs to supplementing her husband’s meagre income as a sales man. The oldest boy ended up living with the paternal grandparent, living a few kilometre away. Andy did not have much of a childhood as the majority of us normally have these day, there was no birthday parties, no play dates.

He almost always ended up entertaining by himself, as he was the third child in a succession of six children, three young sisters joined the family tree. Those days the oldest child always takes care of the rest of the brood. Everyone has their chores in the household, forget about weekly allowance, you will be lucky if you find enough food on the table. Pop and candy was a rare treat.

Fast forward to Andy’s teenager years, the best I remember, Andy grew up in his adolescence years helping his dad’s fledging business, he worked full time as a swapper in his dad’s delivery truck. And going to school in the evening to upgrade his schooling.

This goes on for years until dad’s business went into receivership, he was no longer required to be enslaved as a free labor for his dad. He got an opportunity to immigrate to Canada, and took the big leap. He trained as a pastry chef in a bake shop back home, jobs in pastry shops around town were kind of slim picking, so he reinvented himself, became a certified welder.

Andy had made many new friends, and moved on to Calgary for a new life, I watched from the side line, I felt happy for him. My children adored him, he bought a Camaro and a Kawasaki motorcycle, when they visited him in the summer holidays in Cow Town, they had a blast. They still remember his Camaro has “Yellow Roses of Texas” as a hone tune.

When my kids were teens, Andy grew restless, and moved back to his native Hong Kong to work, he was in his 30’s then, jobs came to a person when your field is in demand, he became a salesman with a local firm which specialized in welding material and steel products. Time flew by, fast forward to 2011 winter, he moved back to live in Vancouver after a health scare, the family in Vancouver welcomed him back with open arms.

As was in any big transitions in life, his coming back was not without its ups and downs, the simple basic difference between East and West, Hong Kong and Vancouver, HK one can get by without a set of wheels to get around quite nicely, not so in Vancouver. Even he has been driving since eighteen. Andy had to retake his road test twice, third time lucky, and when he finally got his BC license in his hot little hands, him and I were ever so happy. The license episode taught both of us a lesson, Old Man Time never play any favourite for no body. We grow old as time goes by.

He was trying very hard to get a welding related job, I rooted for him, he kept pounding the pavements, ideal jobs were few and far in between, until once he told me in exasperation, “ Sid, the truth of the matter is, when the welding helmet drops in front of my face, I can’t see! “
It was then I understood that perhaps he would have to make do with what ever he could find as far as jobs are concern.
My siblings in my family are always positive and forward thinking, when life gave you a lemon, make lemondade. He worked odd jobs to make ends meet, yet he never forget to give his nephew and niece the best when it comes to Chrismas and holidays, no matter how tight money was for him. We went out for lunch two , three times a month. Holiday seasons we always have a chair with his name on it. He was always welcome in our family functions.

Then one day just before Chinese New Year rolls around, we phoned him and wanted him to come for dinner. He never picked up the phone, then I remembered a few days back he said he had problems with his cell phone. Three days passed, and I went checked on him. I found him passed away in his apartment. The world would never know the grief, regret, self direct anger, that I felt at that moment after we open his apartment door. If God was present at that moment, I didn’t think He could give me an answer that was satisfactory to me.

Here lies the body of my brother, his Chinese name was Chung Kwan, him and I picked the name Andy as his legal name in his new adopted country when he arrived. We created Andy, now Andy was gone. We found him at noon, I went through the scenerios with the paramedics, the police, the detectives, and the coroner’s representative, by the time the Victim Services people asked me what can they do for me to make my life at that moment a bit bearable. I said to the police officer,” Would you please come to my mother’s apartment with me, I don’t know how to put it to our mother that one of his sons is gone. When she sees your uniform, she will understand” He did, and my mother did.

Andy’s passing is officially on 2014/ January 20th, I still miss him every day, I went over in my mind again and again, “ What should I have done differently? If I offered him my spare cell phone? If I have a pass key of his place? If I told him that his medications must be taken regularly? “
All the “what ifs” !

Andy, you have gone to a better place now, but you are not forgotten, you came to the new world to escape the grip of the old ways from the old world. You have done well, you left a mark in all of our hearts, we will always cherish you in our hearts, til we meet again.

Why this topic? In the past five years, I do volunteering work on Sunday mornings in the palliative ward of a hospital. Families and friends sometimes ask me why amongst all sorts of volunteer work varieties, why do I choose palliative? Doesn’t it feel depressing sometimes? Doesn’t it drag you down emotionally?

My reply is always the same, the work and the environment itself reminds me of the path we all inch forward day by day. It keeps me on the straight and narrow. It teaches me humility, it shows me human feeling at its rawest form. Some subtle, some emotional, some with quiet gracefulness, yet, all feelings and emotions come with brutal honesty.

Patients have different temperaments, some gently accept their fate, some with a degree of resignation, some are withdrawn, some have been heavily medicated during the course of the day, yet, during moments of clarity in between pain management time, the majority of them express the desire to communicate, to have human contact, some like to be touched by the hand, like having a hand massage, some like a feet massage, we all know that time is limited, we will savoy every moment while we are still alive and on this planet earth! Hence human contacts are treasured.

There are many facets of life and death, three hours of working on the ward often fly by in a flash. Sometimes we would lose a patient during this period, families would gather around, eyes filled with tears, faces with grief, and unspeakable pain. Sometimes, and thankfully not often, we would lose more than one patient, I can feel the heaviness of the air. Staff would hunker down and keep on going, but the atmosphere got quieter. I wish I were not there at those moments.

It is a different lesson for me to learn and follow every Sunday, I know I am fortunate enough that I am still alive, well, and have something to be thankful about in Life! And Death I am not afraid.

Today is 2015/06/1st. I have not been diligently updating on my little piece of the blog. You know what? I will from now on.
I have not really going anywhere other than staying put in Vancouver in the last two years where we call home for 42 years ago.
People grow old, society changes, families spread afar. We all experience pain, happiness, desperations, trials and trepidations. and obligations.
I have retired from my job as a mechanical systems maintenance technician for four years now, but have since going back part time. Not out of boredom, there are always plenty to do, but to be honest, one needs to feel “belonged”.
We spend the better part of forty years in our work lives in the average. To be out of that picture all of a sudden is sometimes hard to do. I guess I am one of those people.
I will relate some of my thoughts about Life and Death to you next time. It is a bit about my volunteer work in my spare time. By for now!

Human Life with a dollar value.
Some times a flash back with come to me as I go about my daily routines since I came back to Vancouver, the following news from the tube has stayed in my mind ever since.
Binge drinking among young adults is not only a North America phenomenon, rather it is universal.
I forgot what city, what university did it happen, it happened just the same. The end result was tragic, bitter sweet for the family who lost their daughter.
It happened one weekend in the ladies dormitory of a university, as the news commentator introduced this particular segment with a few seconds of video footage from the CCTV from the university security department.
It happened on the fifth floor or fourth floor of the ladies building, and it was Friday night. The camera showed a young lady existed from one of the rooms, running towards a window at the end of the hall way corridor. No sooner a second young woman rushed out from the same room, chased after her. There was no sound, just the images of two girls rushing past the camera lens. The TV viewers could make out that the first person climbed over a barricade or a window sill, and then disappeared from the picture. The second person rushed back towards the room, presumably called for help.
As the news commentator continued relating this tragic news in the back ground, the screen switched to an interview with the deceased young woman’s father. Of course he was heart broken, distraught, upset and visibly shaken. In the end of the interview, the dad let it be known that the university in which his daughter was studying in had offer the grieving family a compensation sum of about $ 70.000.00 RMB as a settlement, and the family has accepted.
In China, apparently it is fairly common practice, public security authorities has traditionally play the role as a mediator rather than letting the case go to court, allowing a natural justified outcome and decision to stand, so that no similar tragedy would ever happened again. May be there is a huge back log in the court system. But the lost of a young life in a country actively promotes small families, the feeling of losing one’s son and daughter must be awfully painful.

When I caught this news on the tube, it was either a Monday or Tuesday. The young lady died on the previous weekend. Her family already settled with the university.

Somewhere along the line, the systems failed the young woman. No amount of money is ever going to bring her back! It is blood money.

Let the truth be told.

There is a popular reality show in the local Ningbo channel. The English translation would be roughly,” The Old Uncle”
It is a bit like Doctor Phil – A psychiatrist – in our popular day time talk show, people with issues with their families, spouse, or whatever, would appear on Dr. Phil’s show, air their grief and take in some fatherly advice from Dr. Phil.

Except this Dr. Phil has got help, “Old Uncle” would call in help from expert from different areas of concern find more information. The segment in that particular evening was about a husband and a father – who has grave doubt that their son in his mid 20’s is really his own blood and flesh, between the father and the mother, unfortunately the son – who in any stretch of truth – was the innocent bystander of a love triangle, if indeed the accusation from the husband is true.
We have just that kind of a show in Ningbo, we the people from the Orient, are known to be a fair bit conservative in keeping their private life private.

The son, I gathered, didn’t really needed to be there, all it takes in this day and age, a paternity test, why drag it all out in front of millions of TV audiences?

The wife in not so many words, challenged her spouse for a paternity test, in the show she let it be known that she had no other love interest. The son obvious was disappointed at his dad for being such knuckle head, the entire dad seemed concerned was the family property in case there was a positive out come that their son was not his own.

In the expert panel, there was a lawyer, a police office, a social worker, and “Old Uncle” was there to be the moderator.
I didn’t not follow this particular show to the end; for I think no parents should subject their (grown) children to this sort of negative experience.

No matter how strongly as spouses they think where their relationship is at.
No one, especially their son should subject to such humiliation, May be there is a financial incentive that the TV station would offer the participants, certainly not a claim to frame!
This particular segment probably rank pretty low in the mind of the audiences!

Public Facilities
We in North America enjoy a variety of publicly funded facilities like community swimming pools, recreational centers, public libraries which charge nominal per entry fees, or very reasonable monthly or yearly rates.

In my limited travels within China, I rarely see public libraries, or recreational centers, neighborhood centers, perhaps, but they are limited to local residences only. In my casual observation, some hotel does have nice swimming, bath and recreational facilities provided for either their overnight guests or walk in customers.
In some neighborhood hotels, I even witnessed the whole family spend a princely sum for an evening of leisure relaxation, sipped teas, play mahjong and smoking. Yes, smoking too!
But the per use fees are not cheap, say if there is public facilities available, if the entry fee to use the shower and pool is $30 RMB, an upscale hotel which has the same facilities would have charged about $160 RMB per person.
I spoke with some expat Canadians, and their common sentiments are, there just aren’t enough places for children to vent their energy after school in China.
I think I mentioned some large scale shopping mall does offer supervised, nice, bright, ventilated, well cushioned play areas for pre-school age children to play. But again, they are pay per use, and it costs between $60 RMB for your children to play in. In some area, $60 RMB can get you lunch for two!

Speaking of food, really there are no shortages of food, or famines in China, I personally would think it has become a thing of the past, thanks to mass transportation, good highway infrastructures, and improvements in agricultural practices.
If anything, I saw propagandas on TV, asking its citizens to not wasting food. One statistic the news media quote,” Wastage of food is in the billion pounds every year in China; please help feed the hungry world by not wasting!”
A neighborhood hotpot place advertising a $36 RMB per person ALL YOU CAN EAT! Children half price! Price including beverages! The only condition is there is a two hour seating time! China is doing great, in terms of feeding her people; basics needs for her citizens are all there. People are travelling more and more by air, or by private cars. Holiday seasons news media would routinely have traffic report aired on news time. Their parking lot on the highways are just as bad as ours in North America!

My favorite TV Variety Talent Show in China.
This show is called “Starlight Boulevard” – it airs Saturday evenings and is two hours long. Here is the format of the show, five or six groups of amateur performers (each group could be numbered from one, to two, to whatever.)
The talent each group try to present to the audiences can be songs, dances, funny dialogues, martial arts, or anything that is eye catching, outstanding, or unique, the themes could be regional, contemporary, or ancient.
There could be up to five rounds of competitions during each show. So each group of contestant or contestants has to be prepared to do five acts.
At the end of each round, one contestant would be eliminated, there are four or five judges, all are well known and accomplished in the entertainment, educational, or musical arena. When they critic the performances of each round, each gives the reason of their individual opinion, live audiences are encouraged to sound off their preferences over each and every of the contestants by activating a polling button by their chair.
You will be surprised sometimes how close the opinions of the judges and general audiences are.
I was happy to see that given a country with such a vast geographical size, many weekends there was at least one of two minority groups performed on stage. There was belly dancing from the western region, folk singers and dancers from Inner Mongolia, folk singers from the south China regions, occasionally there would be Caucasians who resides for years in China, speak fluent Mandarin, occasionally they too, want to try their hands on public performances in popular songs. The public reception is generally pretty favorable.
One of the way some performers sing duet songs are quite unique and talented. This person, generally a male singer, would put on a costume that is distinctively divided into two halves, the left side would be the male side, and the right hand side would be the female side.
During the performance of the song, he/she would stand on stage with his/her side profile facing the stage camera, so in a glace you – the TV audiences would see and hear what the lyrics depicts, if the male voice performs, we see a handsome guy’s profile, if it is supposed to be a girl part, we see the profile of a girl.
Imagine if Celine Deon and her singing partner perform on stage, except it is perform by Celine alone, the other side of her costume and make up would be a male singer counterpart. Singing it totally in a male voice.
I think I have actually seen a segment of Celine Deon’s China singing tour. She sang the theme song of Titanic.
Every Saturday night, millions of Chinese audiences glue on their seats in their home and watch Starlight Boulevard, enjoying and relaxing the songs and dances offer by a variety of contestants.
Even dream a little dream of only I wish it was me on stage kind of dream!
All the hardship at work, all the struggling, all the traffic chaos, all the mundane aspects in life, for a moment, it would be forgotten.